[Sergeant Fatcat]: Hello MAGGOTS! So ya passed boot camp and think you can hang with the big boys now eh? Mastered the wedge, diamond and single file formations? Didn’t shoot yer comrade in the heat of an infected ambush?

WAIT, WHAT? YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!? GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY CLASS AND BACK TO BASIC TRAINING, MAGGOT!

Okay, well that leaves just four of ya. Time to learn advanced tactics to survive in the game Left 4 Dead. Once I’ve trained ya, you’ll be able to get through a campaign on expert mode with a med pack to spare. Now sit down and listen up!First thing I want to talk about is team selection. In war you want to have a team of people you can trust, that you know, that you know would die for you. I highly recommend you play with the same 4 people every time when doing the expert mode. I also suggest each player picks the same character model every time.

For example—I know what the hell Corporal Jimmy looks like in real life. So if he always picks Francis as his character model in game I will know who to look for when he screams “HUNTER GOT ME!” like a little girl. Plus, it allows for better coordination when navigating the map. If I say, “Corporal Jimmy, I got your six!” He knows I’m watching his back and my location in relationship to his.

GOT IT? GOOD!

Now let’s work further on using formations to their fullest potential. Before even starting the game you should designate a team leader, and soldiers 1-3. If that is too complicated for ya just name them soldiers 1-4. For the rest of this training, I will just call ya S1, S2, S3, and S4. S1 designates the team leader. So let’s break that down:

Wedge

Ah, as you can see we got the wedge formation going. S1 is the team leader and in the front. The team leader should be doing 80% of the chatter. What’s chatter? Well, that’s what we call talking into the microphone for ya smart ones. He tells the group to move out, fall back, and is always scanning forward. S2-S4 should always coordinate their locations around the S1 team leader.

Now let’s get a little complicated. Say an infested group of toads decides to attack from the left in that picture. What kind of chatter should S2 be announcing?

[S2]: Bogeys to the left?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: NO, YA REJECT! Any time information is passed through chatter, it should be based on the clock orientation. I know ya’ll know what a clock is because ya been staring at it since ya got here. S1, the team leader, is always 12 o’clock, no matter where he is in a formation. SO, if infected are coming at ya from the left in that picture, what should S2 say?

[S4] :Infected 9 o’clock?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: We got someone with a brain! Give him a cookie! That is correct! Let’s break it down into pictures. I know you all like pictures.

Clock Orientation

But what if the team leader is not at the front of the formation? LET ME REPEAT: The S1 Team Leader is always 12 o’clock. GOT IT?

So in this picture, what should S1 or S3 be chattering?

S1 has moved - where is 12 o'clock now?

[S3]: Infected 10 o’clock?

[S1]: Bogeys 11 o’clock?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Yes! Both would work in this scenario. YOU ARE LEARNING, MAGGOTS! So now we get the concept of calling targets using a clock orientation. But who engages what?

In the above picture would everyone engage on the cell of infected?

[S2]: Um, yea!

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Boy I’m gonna hurt ya! No, ya dumb idiots! What is S2 gonna do, shoot his buddy in the back trying to kill an infected? I mean, one would think that S1 and S2 would crouch in this scenario. Great theory, but in the heat of the battle it rarely happens. So what does S2 do? COVERS YER SIX, THAT’S WHAT!

S2 covers the six

And I don’t mean 6 o’clock, either. Covering yer six means “I got your back”. A great concept! I scratch yours, you scratch mine. There should be no reason for S2 to engage. Now if S1, S3 or S4 are total fail and fall down like little girls, then S2 can and should provide some assistance.

[S1]: But what if the group gets ambushed from behind?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Interrupting me? If you had any nuts, I’d have ripped ‘em off for that! Although actually, that is a good point. Alright, your nuts are safe. At that point its time to get into a diamond formation. In the picture S4 would move down. and provide assistance fire to S2 towards the rear.

S4 should move down to help out S2 now.

Hopefully you never have to get into a diamond formation. It’s pretty much the “We are screwed” formation.

So, ya think you got it? Think you can handle the coordination, the chatter, the killing, the NOT dying?

[S1-S4]: YES SARGEANT!

[Sergeant Fatcat]: I can’t hear ya! Now lets break down some weapons, as in “What you should take if you wanna live.” Two shotguns minimum until you get to the better weapons. An Uzi until you get the assault rifle. And the dual pistols for everyone! Master your pistol, as in, master headshots! So many infected can be taken from a distance with the pistol. Also, TURN OFF THAT FLASHLIGHT YA SISSY!

Alright maggots. Q&A time! Ask away!

[S2]: What do we do if we meet up with a Tank?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Put yer skirt on and run like bitches…

[Class]: Sergeant, seriously?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Ah, how about this: if ya meet up with a tank and ya have a pipe bomb on ya, go ahead and toss in on the ground. Who knows, he might think it’s a Baby Ruth bar and then jump on it and go kablooey. Report back to me on that soldier, I’ll be hiding in the corner. Alright, let me add this:

[S3]: What about Boomers and Hunters?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Well Boomers are easy to kill, just do it from a distance ya hear? As for Hunters, they are just high on AMP energy drinks and Smarties candies. If ya can’t take out a Hunter ya need to go back to bootcamp.

[S4]: Smokers?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: Well, they have this long tongue ya see, and well it snatches ya up. Heh, reminds me of this one girl I met in Beirut. Boy did she have a tongue and knew how to use it. AHEM! This is where communication is vital. Report to your squad that a Smoker has ya so it can be taken care of.

[S1]: What about a Witch?

[Sergeant Fatcat]:Men, treat a Witch like you would your ex-girlfriend, ex-wife or mother-in-law. AVOID CONFRONTATION AT ALL COSTS!!!

[Class]: What’s the best weapon to use?

[Sergeant Fatcat]: The grenade

[Class]: There isn’t a grenade in the game?….

[Sergeant Fatcat]: CLASS DISMISSED!!!!