Dear Popcap,
You know, I was having a pretty sweet day. I woke up, had some cottage cheese with chicken strips sprinkled lightly with protein powder for breakfast, totally bench pressed like 476 pounds at the gym, and I didn’t have to wait at all to get in for my daily tan at Bro Tanz 4Ever. All in all, it wasn’t a bad start to the day.
I was just about to head downstairs to do a couple beer bongs with my brahs, when I saw your announcement. Yes, this announcement. The news that you are releasing Plants vs. Zombies 2.
Do you have any idea what Plants vs. Zombies did to my rep, man? I mean, when you’re known for making the pledges clean out the toilets with their own toothbrushes and not letting them stop when they start coming down with Hep B and stuff, it kind of does a number on your rep when all of a sudden all you do for a week is tend to super adorable little plants being attacked by zombies. And these aren’t even like, scary looking zombies like in that Dawn of the Dead movie, these look like zombies my little brother David could beat up, and he’s got like, ADD and stuff.
I couldn’t stop playing, dude. I picked it up because my girlfriend claims that I’m not sensitive enough or some crap (she’s totally into that like, Anne Rice Twilight crap).I figured I’d show her that I protect cute little sunflowers and stuff and she’d be like, “Wow, he’s super awesome just like Edwardo.” I thought that the worst thing that I would get out of Plants vs. Zombies was a craving for salad.
But then I got addicted. Man, I thought it was bad the time I got addicted to Ho-Hos and it totally screwed up my diet for like three weeks. I couldn’t do anything but play for days, dude! I had to protect my super cute peapod thingies from the zombies!
I was so crazy wrapped up in this game that I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, and I only drank like, a twelve pack of Keystone a day. I had never had it so bad, man! And then, even after I finished the adventure portion of the game, I had to take care of my Zen garden! I couldn’t just leave my poor little plants to die, then I’d be like those crack moms that leave their babies at churches and shit.
You have no idea how much my frat bros teased me. I thought I would never live it down. I had to chug like, four bottles of hot sauce at our cookout last summer before I won some of their respect back. Do you have any idea how long that leaves you in the bathroom for? And now, now you’re telling me that you’ve come out with a sequel? Where does it end, Popcap? What do I have to do to convince you to stop ruining my life with your peapod madness?
Could you at least include a six pack with the game? I’m out and the store is like, soooo far away.
Articles RSS